Topic: What do you regret losing?

[mute_clay]

I had a coin. This big, heavy one. Jude gave it to me one of the first times he stopped by with The Undertaker. He said it was a Spanish coin. From a pirate treasure. Jude was full of it a lot of the time but he might have been telling the truth.

I lost it at some point coming here. Maybe someone saw it and stole it. As I said it was really big. Shiny too. Maybe I just dropped it.

I regret losing that.

Jude was never really a friend. He was a bit afraid of me I think. He’d always jump away from Callie whenever I came out of the barn. If they’d been talking. But he was nice enough in his own way. And he did give me that coin.

I do coin tricks, see?

I’m quite good. And I used this to practice new ones with because it was bigger and heavier. Then, when I had the movements right, I’d move on to smaller coins.

I’ve lost a lot of things. But this one I lost through carelessness so that bugs me. More than the house and all because – we couldn’t just have turned Darkly away. He was ill when Jude brought him. And Callie wanted him to stay.

Now, you all thought I was gonna say I regret losing Callie the most.
Wrong.

For one, you can’t lose a person. Because you don’t have them. It’s not like tools or houses or something like that. It’s like the forest. You don’t own the forest. Some people may think they do. And say they do. Make money on it even. But they are wrong.
I don’t know of any forests that believe themselves to be owned. But then again, most trees are smarter than people.

“What about when people die?” you say.

We still don’t lose them. If anything they pay more attention to what we say. Sure, they don’t say much. But most people prefer to talk anyway.
It’s true.
Everybody loves a good listener. And nobody surpasses the dead when it comes to listening.

And as for Callie being with – someone else. That’s her choice. I can still love her. It doesn’t take that away from me. But he doesn’t understand that.
I bet he says he owns forests too.
Idiot.

I regret things I’ve done. Things that have brought us here, to where we are right now. But that is different. Those are actions. And I did them because I thought they were right. So I only regret them up to a point. The only thing I lost was what might have been if I hadn’t done them. And I don’t know anything about that. I can guess, but I will never know.

So – yeah – I regret losing that coin. It was a good coin. For practicing.


Muse: Clay
Fandom: Passion of Darkly Noon (Misc. Movies)
Count: 475

Comments

[jon-r-meyers.livejournal.com]

I've never thought about it that way. Losing a person, I mean. Or rather, not losing her.

It's... well, a very interesting view. Thought-provoking.

Yes, we don't own people. We might think we do, and yes, I say that Dean owns me, or Baphomet owns me, but ultimately, in the end, no one really does. In the end, we only own ourselves, and that is the only person we can lose.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

Exactly.

It doesn't matter what we say in the end. Which words we use. People are people. And their own. Nothing can change that.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

I've got to disagree with you, Clay.

You can lose a person. You can look the other way so long that they leave. You can hurt them so much they can't take it any more and they don't want you around.

Love is forever. Love means giving yourself completely to someone else, but if that someone else is careless for too long, that person wakes up alone and lonely one day.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

You misunderstand me Orlando.

What I am saying is that we are all alone. That the only person we have is ourself.

We love and we hate and we make families and we break them up but we never have each other.

If you decided that you hated me and never wanted to see you again I wouldn't lose you. That would mean that I had somehow felt that I had you, owned you in some way. And that would not be true. You are not a thing. You are a person. I have cared about you. That would not be changed if you decided that you would never see me again.

I still care about you.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

Clay, the idea that the only person I have, or ever will have, is myself, is absolutely terrifying to me.

I know you care about me, and I miss you. The carving was so beautiful.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it.

And I don't understand why you are afraid. I try but it is really hard for me to understand.

There are some people where I think - okay - I wouldn't like myself if I were you - but you're not like them.

At all.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

It's not so much that I don't like me.

It's more like I don't trust me. I'm scared of what I'll do. I'm not reliable.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

Reliability can be learned.

I've learned it. I'm sure you can too.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

I'm glad everyone else has faith in me.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

Why shouldn't we have?

Are you okay, Orlando?

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

No I'm not okay. I'm fucking miserable and I don't think I'll ever be loved again because I messed up my only chance. I'm interested in a man who gets sick when I touch him. I'm fucking addicted to a junkie teenager. My best friend in the world is interested in me and I'm scared as hell of fucking our friendship up - so scared I can't stand it. My best female friend is defending Jason, and the last time I saw them together she was telling me how bad he was and how I deserved better and now that I've broken up with him - or him with me - she seems to be moving in on him. And I hate this place. I hate this world. I want to go home.

I'll be fine.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

If you want some company you can just come by. I'll be up on the roof most like. There are power failures almost every night here. Then you can see the stars.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

I'm waiting for Jimmy to come home. It's his birthday, but he hasn't come home yet. I got him a cake.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

That sounds nice.

Birthdays seem like such a nice thing. Almost makes me wish I knew when my is.

How is Julie?

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

Julie's perfect. She's beautiful and sweet and funny.

We could assign you a birthday, if you want.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

That's good.

And I guess we could. I wouldn't know how to do it really. Ma didn't hold with birthdays.

Darth Maul can't sleep if she hasn't got her fangs deeply embedded in my ankle it seems.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Julie sleeps with me, but she doesn't bite at all. She curls up and purrs.

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

You obviously got the nice kitty.

I'm actually rather fond of Darth Maul. She's just a bit too - eager - at times.

And it's nice having there when I come home from work. I've gotten used to having company.

And she hasn't shredded the curtains Callie made for me yet which is a plus.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

Will has a kitten more like Darth Maul. His is named Little Elf, and he swears that kitten never sleeps :)

[mute-clay.livejournal.com]

Darth Maul sleep alright. Either chewing my ankles in her sleep or curled up on my chest.

[orlandomuse.livejournal.com]

Awww. Julie likes to curl up against my belly.