hand-written entry [private]

[mute_clay]

I don’t know what to do.

I went to see her but –

She was wearing his clothes. She smelled of him. Of them. She loves me. She says so. She loves them too. She doesn’t say that. She doesn’t have to. I can see it. In her eyes.

She’s living with them. She said that they’d gotten a house somewhere and that I could come whenever I wanted to. That I wouldn’t even have to see –

I can’t.

I’ve already let David down. I promised myself that if I ever got my hands on the one that hurt him, I’d kill him. David’s hurt. I can tell he is. He may not say it. But he must be. I can’t go there. I just can’t.

I never had any friends. Not really. Jude was Callie’s friend more than he was mine. I think he was afraid of me. He liked me and all but he was scared of me too. The Undertaker was fun company but he wasn’t a friend. He was more like my boss really.

Then I came here.

And now I’ve let him down. He’s always hated me hugging him but Alexander made it much worse. And now – I don’t think he really trusts me anymore.

Can’t blame him for that. I wouldn’t trust me.

I can’t – I can’t not love her. I don’t know how you do that. But every time I think of her with him it hurts. It hurts so much. And I just want it to stop. And I could. A walk in the dark would stop it. But you can’t just leave when you’ve got friends. You owe them more than that. And I don’t know how to do that either. Being a good friend. I try and all but I haven’t got much practice. I don’t know what to do to fix things when it’s between people. I am only good with wood. And radios. And lamps. Sometimes.

She said that I could come whenever I wanted to. That I wouldn’t even have to see –

I can’t.

Every time I think about it I –

I just can’t.

And I can’t make her want something different. I know that now. You can’t make people want things. Or not want things.

I wish things were like they used to be. Or like I imagined they would be. Callie coming here and moving in with me somewhere. I could have built a house for her. Just a small one. We could have had a guest room for when we had friends staying. It would have been close to the beach and David would have come over sometimes and we would have had a fire and talked and sat outside till the stars came out. And she and David would have teased me about them eloping together because he was better looking than me and I would have chased them and we would have ended up laughing so hard it hurt.

You can’t make things be the way you want them to.

I am not going to go there.

It wouldn’t be right.